New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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