I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
