i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Randomize
