my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
