Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I FOUND THE LEGS
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
