Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
