mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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