I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
