4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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