Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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