What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
