I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
