I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
