Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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