if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
