The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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