I haven't been this sober since birth.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
