Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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