she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
