my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
