how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
