I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
