Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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