im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
you had me at cake vodka
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
