Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
