i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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