oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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