I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
