New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
