Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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