My sheets look like a crime scene.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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