Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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