Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
