I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
