I wanna bring you to show and tell
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
