I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
