both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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