Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
