Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
