Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
