WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
