feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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