i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
