Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
