New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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