My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
