I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
