we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
