the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
