Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
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I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
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Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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