I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
