I just threw up on my dentist
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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