Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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