I wish my penis had an off switch
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
