i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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