U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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