You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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