Swine flu. Run for my life!
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
