dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
