I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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