If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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