i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
