I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
